internalized homophobia - lol-what-are-you-fucking-gay

internalized homophobia

roleplay / lol-what-are-you-fucking-gay

Kaoru was frustrated. Well, okay, maybe frustrated wasn't the right word. He was a lot of things at the moment, and he felt that frustrated sort of minimized all his feelings into one condensed blob that felt like it could just burst at the seams at a moment's notice. Which was what he did with his emotions anyway, so yeah. Maybe frustrated did work, but he felt like a lot more. He was annoyed and pissed off and exhausted and overworked and underpaid and was going to deck the next person that looked at him wrong in this shitty little live house. There were a million and one reasons he could be feeling this way, but somewhere in the back of his mind, he could easily identify the root of these specific emotions. A simple really, so simple that anyone with a brain might have wondered why he hadn't done anything about it yet until he admitted that it was abso fucking lutely his father. This shitty job at the live house was one mandated by his father, otherwise, he'd have quit within a week, and this was his fifth night in a row working. He had been told he'd have tonight off to himself, and had actually been looking forward to taking the day and surfing because the weather was supposed to hold nicely for waves and it would have been the perfect opportunity. But then his dad said one of the other employees had gotten sick and he had to take the shift, and so here he was, dealing with the Ryuseitai crowd for what felt like hours as he kicked back in a chair in the corner. He was doing his job, sure, but it was the bare minimum. On any normal night, he was a wonderful host, taking care of the guests and making sure they were doing alright. But when it came to the nights that the Ryuseitai delinquents crowded the area? Well, he didn't care enough. They took care of himself, and he knew he'd just have a mess to clean when they were out.

5:11 PM

He seemed to be preoccupied on his phone, texting some number he didn't have saved to distract himself. Less than an hour before they closed, and he was already dreading the clean up. Ugh. If his dad wasn't a cheap bastard, which he *shouldn't *be, he had the fucking money to spend, then maybe Kaoru wouldn't be left alone to watch over the stupid business he was meant to take over. What a dick.

the pursuit of justice was not easy. Almost every comic book or show he’s ever come across had warned him about that. However, they also taught him that hard work pays off. So why is he still stuck here? His glasses threaten to fall off his face as he runs back and forth around the live house. His unit seniors had split into groups across the livehouse, making him their little errand boy for whatever they pleased. Drinks, snacks, calling someone over, you name it! Chiaki had done it all at this point, his legs started cramping up. They’ve always been like this. Ever since he entered Yumenosaki, none of his unit mates –besides Mikejima-san and a few other names lost to time– had taken their job as heroes seriously. In Fact they took to doing the exact opposite. Chiaki had been left chasing after them ever since, worried about their seemingly inevitable disbandment. He doesn’t hate them, he genuinely believes they’re good people. He really wants to help them, it’s what a hero would do after all, right? Even if Chiaki wasn’t a hero yet… It didn’t matter! He will help them! He pumps his fists upwards, psyching himself up– only for a very loud Morisawa! to catch him off guard. He whines, defeated, and runs back to his unit mates. By the time he’s finally had a chance to breathe again, Chiaki finds himself lost on what to do, standing alone in the middle of the hall like a sad little guy. He’s already decided on staying till the crowd dissipates after having seen the damage his unit mates had caused. It was the least he could do. With nothing to do, Chiaki wanders the place to occupy himself in the meanwhile, finding a plastic bag and picking up whatever trash he found on the tables for now.

9:36 PM

That was until he spotted his classmate. He beams, not taking another second to wait before he sprints his way towards the familiar blonde. “Hakaze!” he greets, smile splitting his face. He felt relieved to see someone he recognized! Well, besides his unit mates. “I was wondering if you would be here today! You didn’t come to school earlier, so I was worried you caught a cold or something!” His concern was genuine, the weather was starting to cool down, which is how he found himself in stuffy clothing caused by his (lovingly) overbearing parents.

Ugh. Kaoru had been hoping to get out of any obligatory conversations this evening, hence why he'd actually been sitting alone in the corner. He'd had enough of the sort of people that passed through here every evening and was beginning to get sick of dealing with the petty issues they brought in with them from outside. Unfortunately for him, however, luck didn't seem to be on his side. A bright voice drew his attention, and he looked up from the message he was halfway through typing out. Well, it seemed that this person knew his name, but that wasn't uncommon here. His dad was decently well known, and it wasn't as if he kept himself hidden in the live house (or in school, for that matter) 24/7. The blonde raised a brow, eyes scanning over the individual who approached him. He swore he was familiar, but. He didn't particularly ring any bells. He must have just been that unimpressive. Or at least, not impressive enough to properly catch Kaoru's attention. More likely, however, was simply that he was a guy, and Kaoru didn't make too much of an attempt to memorize the guys he had to deal with in his classes. Still, he was blanking on a name. "Sorry." Completely deadpan, he didn't sound sorry in the slightest. "Who are you again? I don't make it a habit to remember the guys around me." He sat back in his chair, finishing up his message before pressing send. He slipped the phone back into his pocket, focusing his gaze on the guy standing in front of him. He certainly didn't look like he belonged here, not if his outfit and almost meek expression was anything to go by. Kaoru was in a pretty casual outfit himself, but it seemed that the guy in front of him had dressed with a bomb going off in his closet. Ugh. He'd rather not be caught talking to him, but it really wasn't as if he had a choice at this point. He'd already been trapped in the conversation.

1:16 AM

"I don't go to class. I don't see a point when none of that shit will apply to me in three years." He rolled his eyes, stretching his arms up behind him. He heard a pop in his shoulder before sitting back comfortably into the seat. "So? What do you want?"

he’s a little more than disappointed to hear the other didn’t even bother to remember his name, physically deflating. But he’s quick to pick himself back up, energy returning to his stance. “It’s Chiaki Morisawa!” he exclaims, as if his loud voice would drill his name into Kaoru’s memory. They weren’t exactly close, no. only sharing the same class room occasional one sided conversations initiated by Chiaki himself here and there. He thought he’d been to the live house enough times to have been at least recognizable to the blonde, but his expectations failed him. He couldn’t blame him! He was clearly crowded with work! That's why he doesn’t have time to come to school and… he’s tapping away at his phone during work hours? Polite as ever, Chiaki waits till the blonde is done doing whatever he was doing. In fact he looks away as to not look like he was putting his nose in his classmate’s business. “But you should come to class!” Chiaki retorts, his resolve clear in his curled fists. “School is important! You applied to it to become an idol right!? You should follow your dream!” Seemingly a little confused at the question, Chiaki tilts his head. “I… just wanted to say hi to you!”

"The only reason your unit comes over to me is to bother me or ask me for free shit. Sorry for assuming you're just like the rest of them~" He quite obviously didn't sound sorry at all, sitting up a little straighter in his chair so the two could talk more easily. "Sorry to burst your bubble, Morisawa-kun. Most people in that school aren't ever going to make it a foot past graduation. Hell I wouldn't doubt most of them get dropped before then. I'm there to screw around until I have to take this dump over." He crossed his arms over his chest, just shaking his head. Sure, that was always his dream. But his dad had crushed that long ago. Disapproving heavily of those sorts of things. So, Kaoru was just skating by. Even if he knew he actually had to join a unit by the end of the year. He had no clue what he was doing there. "Class doesn't matter when I'm never gonna use the idol shit anyway."

Chiaki was optimistic, hopeful, and stupidly positive, but he wasn’t an idiot. He knew his classmate was right. Every word coming out of his mouth was another punch to Chiaki’s already bruised guts, reminding him of just how hopeless and insufferable their situation was. His unit mates were the worst, and he physically deflates when compared to them. He can’t blame him. He can’t. At least he remembers which unit he is from..! “I’m… sorry about my unit mates.” he manages to utter out after a stretched awkward silence fell between them. His fingers cling to the hem of his flannel, finding small comfort in the gesture. “...i-if you need, I can stay and help with the clean up? I-it’s the least I could do…” he truly felt guilty about his peers’ wrong doings, feeling as if the responsibility of their actions fell on his shoulders.

"Why are you sorry?" He quirked a brow at him, a little more than confused. Sure, he was part of Ryuseitai (unfortunately) but it wasn't as if he was the one who was messing with stuff in the live house. If anything, he was probably one of the most tolerable. ...If only because he was meek and pathetic, so he didn't have to worry about getting into any sort of arguments with him. He was a pushover at best. The offer of help was interesting, and Kaoru chuckled as he listened to it. Was he really offering to work for free? At least Kaoru got paid to pick up after those assholes. But hey, help was help, and he'd rather not be here until three in the morning again. "Huh? It's a thankless job, Moriyama." He hadn't even noticed he'd gotten the name wrong, woops. He didn't really care either. "You sure you wanna stick around? They're a mess."

Chiaki does everything to avoid the other’s gaze, fiddling with the fabric between his fingers and lowering his head. “W-well… you’re my unit mates, and they’re troubling you!... so I thought helping would lessen your burden…!” Guilty, Chiaki chews on his lip. “A-and.. Because if we get any more complaints, our unit might disband! I don’t want that to happen, so I've been trying to clean up after them.” He’s been scolded by so many, he’s almost surprised Kaoru hadn’t lumped him in with the rest of his unit. It seemed like the norm now, and Chiaki, unfortunately, was begging to get used to it. He’s happy to see Kaoru accept his offer, perking up slightly with a smile. Only for him to tilt his head with a small frown. “It’s Morisawa.” he mutters. “It’d be nice if you remembered, since I just told you…”

Jeez, how much responsibility was this kid willing to take on for others? Kaoru thought he could just start a new unit or something. He didn't see the point in sticking with people who were like... that to him. Whatever, not his problem. That was Morisawa's choice and not his. He shrugged his shoulders, sitting back and shifting to get a little more comfortable in the chair. He made a mental note about the unit disbanding stuff, thinking he could probably use it against him later. If the need arose, of course. "Yeah, yeah. Morisawa. Got it." He rolled his eyes, glancing down at his watch. "Still got thirty minutes before I have anything to clean up." He hummed, "If you were a girl I might hug you~ A little sad you're not." He made a motion with his hand, as if shooing him away. "Go run off. I'll catch you when we're closing."

upon being shooed away, Chiaki would exhale through his nose in frustration. Right. Just because he accepted his offer to help it didn’t mean they were friends no. he shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. At least he got his name right. He considers leaving, turning on his heel only to spot a chair not too far from them, and he ends up dragging it back to sit next to Kaoru. “I don’t have anyone to hang out with, and it doesn’t look like you have anyone either. So let’s hang out!” he cheers with a smile. “You don’t… only hang out with girls, right?” he asks, out of pure curiosity. And because he’s generally never seen Kaoru around a specific group of guys before. Only spotting him with his arm around a girl a few times.

Kaoru watched him sit down, scooting his chair just a bit away from him in case anyone was looking at the two of them and wanted to get the wrong idea about all this. He certainly wouldn't consider Chiaki a friend, but just calling him a stranger didn't quite feel right either. "I don't make it a habit to hang out with guys." He'd grabbed his phone from his pocket again, glancing down and checking through the messages he'd gotten in the last few moments. "I'd much rather spend my days with a gorgeous girl~ Guys are... boring." He explained, setting his phone down as he pushed his hair out of his face. "Why? Do you hang out with them? Or are you just some kind of fag?"

Chiaki pouts, shoulders hunched and hands between his knees. He didn’t like hearing the word, though his reaction to it had changed since the first time he’s heard it. It still didn’t sound right to him. “You shouldn’t call people that, you know? It’s a bad word..!” even if it held no meaning to him anymore, he still wouldn’t want anyone else to go through it. “P-plus we go to an all boys course, right? It’s more common to hang out with guys…” he justifies, because it’s easier to blame it on that than beginning to question his sexuality when he barely got any human interaction, let alone affection.

"It's just a word? Calm down." He didn't seem to care about the implication of the word, just using it absentmindedly. He used it probably a little more often than he should for someone who claimed he was straight so often. "You go to an all-boys course. I don't go to class." He shifted, letting his eyes shut as he slumped back. He didn't really want to chat with Chiaki, but he supposed he was stuck with him for a little bit. He didn't seem to have a choice either way. "Point stands. You act kinda... you know." There was a bit of disdain behind his voice, shaking his head.

“I’m not anything!” Chiaki protests, huffing at the way Kaoru seemed to not take any of his words, going in one ear and out the other. “And there’s nothing wrong with hanging out with guys! I’ve–” he rethinks, not wanting to let something slip and embarrass himself in front of his company. “It’s completely normal to be friends with guys! I have a friend! I-I think…” he trails off, head sinking between his shoulders. He didn’t understand why he felt such a need to defend himself in front of the blonde. He guessed it was just fear of making him dislike him, just like his spiteful unit mates.

He had a friend, huh? Somehow, he almost believed him. But this kid was... pathetic was a good word to describe him. He seemed to be far too unsure of himself, even if he talked a big game about the whole unit of heroes thing. "Yeah, yeah." He seemed rather apathetic about the whole thing, immediately back on his phone to continue tapping out a message to some unsaved number. "You're not gay or anything." He repeated, shrugging his shoulders. He didn't believe him, but he wouldn't call him out on that one. He'd rather not have a long drawn out discussion about sexuality. "And sure, you totally have friends. That's why you're sitting here instead of out there."

Chiaki wrinkles the fabric of his pants in his fits, frustrated by the taunting tone the blonde had decided to aim at him. “I have a friend!” he presses, “his name is Kiryu-kun!” they were friends, right? He’s helped him a few times, and Kuro seemed grateful for it. He wasn’t taking advantage of him like the rest, right…? “There’s nothing wrong with that either! And I’m… I’m here to stop the others from vandalizing! L-like a hero would!” he’d go on and on about how it was a hero’s duty to help others, but he knew Kaoru wouldn’t listen.

Kiryu, huh? He scanned his mind for the name. He tried not to remember guys names all too often, but that was one that was unfortunately stuck in his mind. He couldn't help it, knowing full well that the only reason he knew it was because of the trouble the kid seemed to bring around here. "The delinquent?" He asked, still focused down on his screen. How odd. He didn't think that Morisawa would get along with someone like that. Huh. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, Morisama. I guarantee you there's some asshole scribbling with pen on the bathroom stall right now, and someone else is spitting into one of the glasses." He shrugged once more, not caring all too much. Those specific things weren't his responsibility. "Stop fucking taking responsibility for them. It's not worth it. Promise~ Try something useful, like, I dunno, getting a girl or something."

“he’s not a delinquent!” Chiaki keeps the protest assaults going, pushing his palms into fists and pressing them into his knees. “He’s a really good guy, he’s just…he has some problems with some bad people.'' He knew Kuro better than that harsh surface and he hated seeing him be misunderstood by outsiders. He wished to do something, but again, he’s as helpless as ever. Adjusting his glasses, Chiaki finally gives up on initiating eye contact with the unamused blonde who seemed way more preoccupied with his phone, and opts to stare into the distance instead. The statement saddens him, knowing down well the blonde was speaking the truth. It didn’t take a genius to guess that his unit’s destructive behavior would reach that extenet. Infact, Chiaki wouldn’t put it past them to destroy props and even hurt others. That’s why he was here in the first place, they picked less on the attending juniors when he was around. He can’t be everywhere at once, but he can at least help a person or two by taking the bullet. “I don’t get how getting a girl would stop my unit from disbanding or help me become a better hero…” he mutters, not entirely taking Kaoru’s advice –if you can call it that– to heart.

"It's not gonna help with shit, but it might make you less of a baby." He hummed, finally putting his phone back into his pocket and turning to face Chiaki. It almost seemed as if he were sizing him up, scanning over him and trying to pinpoint just what it was about him that put him so on edge. Yeah, alright, maybe Chiaki was fruity -- but he'd seen far worse (having to pound on a bathroom door and having two people come out with their pants half done up was always a horrible surprise) especially to Yumenosaki. "Might make you less of a pathetic little virgin too." He said, the words icy on his tongue. Maybe that's what was bothering him? The idea that this guy was in such a big unit, played up such a big game, and he looked like a small scared cat in front of him. He was pathetic. And that was putting it nicely. "If you wanna equate it to whatever power rangers shit you've got going on, it'll teach you to take responsibility for the emotions of another, blah, blah blah. Doesn't really matter."

Kaoru’s harsh gaze seems to have put Chiaki’s protests to an end, as he shrinks onto himself, turning his head away from the blonde with a blatant frown on his face. He chews on his lip, holding himself together with a thin thread. He didn’t want to cry in front of him, no. That would only prove his point. And even if his words stung a lot, Chiaki knew better than to get mad at someone who’s seemingly overworked. It’s the virgin comment that draws out a reaction from him; a confused sound and a head tilt. “What… does that have to do with anything?” He fixes his posture, sitting with his back straight as he stares back into Kaoru’s eyes.

Yeah, Kaoru still couldn't quite tell. He looked weak like this, easily pushed around -- and obviously his unit had taken advantage of him. He toyed with the idea that that was the issue at hand, that he struggled to put up with him because he was a pushover. Kaoru had been the same way with his family until he grew out of it, and so maybe he was mad that the kid couldn't even stick up for himself. "What? I'm right." He grinned at him, sitting back in his seat. "Ignoring the whole-" He motioned at him, "- gay thing or whatever. You seem like a kissless virgin. You don't know how to talk to people, you can't take shit." He shrugged his shoulders. "You're sheltered, kid. You act like you've lived your whole life in this fucking bubble and you step out of it and suddenly everyone's lived life but you. You seem like a good kid. Good doesn't get you anywhere."

close to pouting, Chiaki furrows his eyebrows at Kaoru, blinking at him twice before he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Part of him regrets staying –he could’ve left the blonde alone until closing hours, yet he stayed out of the kindness of his heart. Something tells him that was the wrong thing to do. Another thing to add to his growing list of regrets. “I don’t get it.” he scoffs lightly, “I’m– I’m not gay and it doesn’t matter if I hadn’t had my first kiss yet!.. Y-you’re supposed to save it for someone special anyway.” something at tame as kissing had his gaze swimming around bashfully, he couldn’t even get to the virgin allegations. Once again, Kaoru spoke nothing but the painful truth, reminding Chiaki of the cruel reality the both of them were living. He’s left exhaling an angry breath through his nose. “bad won’t get you anywhere either. If it did, then I shouldn’t be here sitting next to you! But I wanna help you!” he presses his curled fists into his knees, eyes pleading for… something. It might be lost on the both of them.

"You're not?" Pure disbelief laced under his tone at that, furrowing his brows in confusion as he tried to process the statement. The boy in front of him looked anything but straight. Not to mention the unit he was in. Hero costumes and all? That rang fruity in his mind, but hey -- there had to be one or two straight people in there. Even if Morisawa wasn't one of them. "Also. No one gives a shit if you save your first kiss or not. That's just..." He trailed off, shrugging his shoulders. Stupid? Nah, that sounded too harsh and he wasn't in the mood to see this kid cry ~~yet~~. "I'm not bad. I'm not good. Morally gray at best. I do what my dad tells me to and I don't trouble myself with shit like 'helping others' or 'being the hero'." Both of those statements were simply made to mock Chiaki, rolling his eyes. Ugh. What a pain. "What's the point? Your unit's fucking using you. And unless you want to just be used by others, then get the fuck out of there."

“I– I don’t know! And I don’t think it matters if I am or not!” He squeezes his knees in his palm, fighting the pout that’s seeping on his face in favor of giving Kaoru a stern look. “If nobody cares,” he changes the wording, he doesn’t like swearing. “Then why did you bring it up to begin with?” focusing was clear in his tone, raising one eyebrow at the other. “Unless you just wanted to talk about kissing?” The corner of Chiaki’s lips quiver as Kaoru’s mockery’s thrown at him, shoulders tensed as he stares at him… but he relaxes. “I think you’re good.” he says, honest. “You’re doing your job and that’s more than half the people here. More than most actually.” he chooses to change his interpretations, smiling brightly at the blonde. “And I appreciate your concern, but I’m doing this willingly!”

"I said no one cares if you save your first kiss. That doesn't matter. Why save it anyway? No one's gonna want to hook up with someone or be with someone who doesn't even know how to hold a girl's hand." Maybe he was snapping a bit because he never got the chance to save his own, but he shoved that thought aside. He didn't want to think about himself at the moment, not when he was already dealing with someone who was beginning to tick him off. "Please." Sarcasm dripped from his tone, and he sat back in his seat almost a little harshly. "I don't give a shit what you do. I'm just warning you. But if being used is what gets you off at night. So be it." He let out a huffed breath of air. "And I'm not good. I'm here because otherwise the consequences are far worse." He grumbled, biting at the inside of his cheek. He looked away from him, glancing down at his watch. Maybe he shouldn't have accepted the help.

Chiaki tenses, shifting away from Kaoru wide eyed. Why was he snapping at him? Chiaki was just being genuine…? “I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to offend or embarrass you! Is kissing a sensitive topic for you…” Huffing Chiaki glues his eyes to the floor. He was his classmate, yeah, but he was acting like a big jerk and he didn’t understand why. He could only blame it on his unit mate’s wrong doings. Kaoru was just exhausted and overworked. “I… I don’t do that.” he protests weakly. “No one would think of anything like that! I’m just trying to help you.” he tries not to lose resolve, he wants to help! He really does, but he’s near tears and he’s just as tired from running around all day and the beat he’d received earlier. He feels like throwing up a second time today. “I can… come back later if you want.”

Kaoru scoffed, kicking back in the chair and closing his eyes. He was pathetic, and he didn't really want to see his lip quiver as he held back his tears. No wonder people seemed to push him around. He seemed one raised voice away from saying yes to anything. "Nah, I'm not some sensitive little pussy. Your crying is just pissing me off." He was itching for a cigarette, or maybe something else. He couldn't really tell. There weren't enough chicks in the livehouse to drag one away for a cig, and he was sure his dad would kick him for dragging a paying customer out when they could be buying something. "Nah. Stick around." Eugh. "Maybe you can offer me some entertainment." He dug in his pocket, pulling out a little white box and shaking it a bit in the air. "You smoke, or does your mommy not let you?"

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